Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
