I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
