Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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