I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
