I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
