If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
