They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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