me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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