how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
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Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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