It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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