I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
