she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
How external is "for external use only"?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
