The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
