Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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