you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
