that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
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