hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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