I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
