When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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