My cat gives me a boner
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
