Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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