mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
