the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He has the fingertips of a God
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