thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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