My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
