The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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