I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
