...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
