Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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