First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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