I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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