I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
