no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
