I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
