I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I checked into jail on foursquare
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
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Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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