just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
