so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
