I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
