why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
