nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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