I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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