the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
