I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
