What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
