I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
