Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
