Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
