Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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