oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
