Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
