how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
