i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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