Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
