hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
