What a fucking waste of an outfit
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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