Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
