don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
