Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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